The other day at dinner my mom and I were lamenting the lack of actuall fortunes in fortune cookies.  While it’s true that most of the fortune have always been cheesy and/or rather unbelievable, at least they used to hold genuine predictions.  Things like:

“You will take an unexpected trip.” (In t.v. and comic books this never meant a journey, and always meant a fall.)

“You will meet a tall dark stranger.”

“You will receive an unexpected windfall.”

Nowadays the alleged “fortunes” tend to be more proverbs/cliches for instance:

“If you are wise you will do well in life.”

“Do not waste time dwelling on the past.”

and sometimes their meaning is rather, well vague

“If you walk a mile in the path of a beaver, you might have to build a dam.”

or obvious

“If you are good to the people around you, they won’t think you weren’t”

So I decided that if I were to write fortune cookies I would skip the eloquence and the veiled meanings and instead go for the straightforward abundantly clear and helpful fortunes.

“After the tip you left, the waiter’s spitting in your food next time.”

“You will walk into a pole while trying to text.”

“You will wake up with a huge pimple on your face the morning of school pictures.”

I leave you with a few fortunes I would like to receive (and actually see come true)

“You will never receive a rejection letter, and will be able to afford actual wallpaper for your bathroom.”

“You will have the opportunity to eat your weight in chocolate and not get fat.”

“You will be filthy rich.”

“The girl who gave you all that trouble in high school will end up weighing 200 pounds and working at the local walmart.”

Goodnight, and good fortune 😉