I have control issues. Really it’s one issue: I want to control absolutely everything and unfortunately most things fail to comply. (So as you can see it’s not even my issue.) Coupled with this is the fact that I think a lot. This sounds silly, everyone thinks a lot. But I guess it’s that I think about the same things repeatedly. Things that have happened or things that I think are going to happen. I plot and plan and play out scenes over and over. And then I fret and fret and fret. I feel responsibility for things that I couldn’t possibly be responsible for, and when those things go wrong I consequently  feel guilt for things that I didn’t actually have anything to do with.

I suppose I have always thought far too much of myself. I believe that I am powerful enough to run the world, and that the world is relying on me to do so. Growing up this need to be in control and subconscious belief that I actually was would manifest itself in fear that terrible things would happen to my family or myself if I didn’t complete certain rituals or behave in certain ways.

I fret over the future like it will change the future and I manipulate situations and believe that I can be the boss of essentially everything. And I am exhausted. The mental calisthenics involved in attempting to run my entire life and any situations that intersect with my life are so much work. I find myself deeply tired on an emotional level. I am tired of trying to hold everything together in fear that I will fly apart if I relinquish my illusion of control. It’s not working.

So I’ve decided to let the tomorrows come on their own, without borrowing trouble from them.  I’ve decided to be ok with the fact that I don’t know exactly where I’ll be in ten, five, or even one year. I have to re-decide this approximately once a day. I want to let my future career and relationships and even place of residence be what they will.  I’m not going to stop doing what I need to do (in fact I’m still a micromanaging control freak so I’m not sure this is even possible), but I’m going to try to recognize that that is where my responsibility stops. I want to send in my graduate school applications and write my papers and do my work and then I want to walk away from those things and leave them where they belong, rather than internalizing them and thinking them over and over again. I don’t intend to become lazy, choosing to do nothing but hope that things work out for the best; but I do intend to stop worrying that I haven’t ever done enough or done the right things after what’s done is already done.

I think my control issue is  a trust issue. Though I would be reticent to admit it, I seem to believe that God needs me to make sure that everything is working out the way it’s supposed to, and I’ve finally worn myself out enough that I’m willing to start listening to Him tell me that He’s got it under control.

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:17

Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him. – Hebrews 2:8

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